Consider your child's motivation - Part 2: Attention

You've heard it many times before: "Ignore him, he's just looking for attention."  JUST looking for attention?  Don't we all crave attention of some sort?  Women like to receive flowers once in a while "JUST because."  Men JUST want a pat on the back for a job well done within their job description, whether at home or at work.  Everyone JUST wants to be recognized as a person who is appreciated by those around them.  Why are children any different?  They may look for positive attention in negative ways because they don't know any different.  When they throw a temper tantrum, the well-meaning parent may give the child plenty of attention by yelling right back at her.  A better approach would be to give negative attention for negative behavior (walk away and ignore the tantrum!)  Then when the child is doing something right no matter how small (like coloring within the lines), it's our job as parents to recognize the little successes in life so children learn that they can get positive attention for positive behavior. 

ATTENTION - Consider this scenario:  Many years ago, I was at the home of my daughter's friend and his younger sister.  Their mother had gone off to work, leaving two teenagers at home to fend for themselves (more on that topic in another blog!)  The big brother made dinner - a steak on the barbecue with a baked potato and a salad.  Not bad for a 16-year-old boy!  He set the plate down in front of his sister and that's where the trouble began.  She said, "Would you cut my steak?"  She was 14 and totally capable of cutting her own steak.  He retorted, "Cut your own (bleep) steak."  She whined back, "Pleeeese?"  The converstion repeated like a stuck sound track.  At that I could see a nice dinner turning into a shouting match, so I pulled my daughter's friend aside and explained about motivation.  I told him that she didn't really want her steak cut. "Yes, she does," he responded. "Not really," I said. Then I told him that she simply wanted her older brother to take care of her in a way that their mother was  not doing at that time.  He misted up then went in and silently cut his sister's steak.  I left and he later told me that they actually enjoyed their dinner together. Crisis averted!  To this day, if his own children seem to be demanding undue attention, he'll look at me and say, "They want their steak cut, right?"  I simply smile and nod. 

The most common reason children misbehave is to get attention. When adults don’t give children needed attention, they will try to find other ways to get it.  Unfortunately, we don’t always see the positive things children do to get attention, like making good grades in school or doing their chores at home. Instead, we are most likely to notice them when they do something that we don’t like. Children would rather have negative attention than no attention at all. If we give children attention only when they act up, we teach them that misbehaving is the best way to get our attention, and they act up even more. If we give children attention only when they are doing things that please us, we teach them that behaving is the best way to get the attention they want. If you feel annoyed, irritated, or guilty by your child’s misbehavior, the child probably is seeking attention.  So, ignore the negative attention-getting devices and reward (hugs, recognition, etc.) the positive attempts to gain parental attention. 

Happy Parenting!
 

Consider your child's motivation - Part 1: Power

Children misbehave in a variety of ways, but they have only four common motivations for misbehavior: Power, Attention, Revenge, and Withdrawal. When a child acts up, consider the motivation, and you'll be better able to handle the behavior. I'll look at each one separately over the next four posts. 

POWER - Yesterday, I witnessed the following exchange between a mother and her daughter in the gym locker room... Mom wanted Julie to put her shoes on. Julie refused, whining she wanted Mom to put them on for her. (That last sentence is the clue to the motivation for the misbehavior.) Mom insisted that Julie is quite able to put her own shoes on. Julie became even more irate. Finally, Mom picks up Julie in the ultimate control move. Angry Mom and angry Julie leave the gym with Julie wailing and Mom stomping. How might that scenario have changed? If Mom had realized that Julie simpy wanted to regain control for some reason (sometimes we never know the reason, but we can see the motivation), then she should have stated her position, given a reason, and then offered choices: "Julie, you need to put your shoes on because your feet will get cold on the concrete outside. Which shoe do you want to put on first? (Or ... which shoe do you want to put on? I'll put on the other.) I'm willing to bet a million dollar inheritance that both would have left the gym hand in hand!

 Children may misbehave to show that they have control over their lives. Children want to do things for themselves and to think for themselves. If parents don’t let children have some power to make decisions when they are ready, children may misbehave by going against what their parents want them to do, as Julie did in the above scenario. If you feel like winning the fight or proving that you are the boss when your child misbehaves, the child is probably seeking power. There’s nothing wrong with a child wanting power over her parents – that’s a perfectly natural way for kids to behave. How you react as a parent determines how that power struggle will turn out. Look for a win-win compromise where both the child and the parent can feel in control. That usually happens with the guided choice I illustrated above.

This happens in classrooms and at home.  Too often, the teach dictates (yes, that's a form of the word dictator) what will happen next:  take out your books, do this worksheet, fill out this lab report, write down your homework assignment, line up for lunch, etc. etc. etc.  Teachers, think if ways to give control back to your students and I think you'll find that you'll regain some classroom management control in the process!

Happy Parenting and Happy Teaching!

10 games to play on car trips

With the holiday season approaching, many families travel many miles to be with family.  Here are a few games to keep the kiddies amused for a while from www.aupair.org:

Car trips. They can be every parent’s worst nightmare when travelling with kids. No one can ever seem to coordinate wanting to stop to eat at the same place or the same time, everyone has to go to the bathroom at different times, and it’s inevitable that you will hear someone say “I’M BORED” at least a hundred different times. Not to mention even siblings who are the best of friends outside of the car can turn into the worst of enemies on car trips, enticing fights with each other by hogging seat space or finding various ways to annoy their backseat companions. Even the shorter car trips can seem inexplicably long when you have kids fighting with each other and endlessly complaining. And as much as we hate to admit it, after hours in the car listening to bickering and bantering, our worst sides tend to pop out and we utter phrases we used to hate hearing our own parent’s yell at us, such as “If I have to pull this car over …” and “Do NOT touch your sister again!”.

Yes, car trips. They’re an unavoidable fight just waiting to happen. So what can you do to pacify your kids and ease your own mental pain for at least part of the trip? Play car games, of course! When the hours of driving boredom are setting in it’s a great way to have some fun, break up the tension, and getting everyone involved. After a few minutes you’ll see even the most reluctant participants cracking a smile and chiming in with their contributions.

1. I Spy… Probably the most famous of car games, I Spy has pacified kids for years upon years of car trips. It’s also incredibly easy to play – you just appoint the person doing the “spying” and pick out an upcoming object. In a sing-song voice you declare “I spy something… (insert color)” and your kiddos will start frantically looking around trying to figure out which landmark or sign you’re looking at that has the defining color, shouting out answers until someone stumbles on the right one.
2. The Alphabet Game - This was a favorite from my own childhood. With this game participants start with the letter “A” and look for the letters on license plates, billboards, restaurant signs, and anything with words on it and call out the letters of the alphabet and the word you found in which you found the letter in order until they reach “Z”. While some letters are easier than others to find, it’s always a hunt as to who can find something with the letter “J” in it and other obscure letters not often used. For instance, if there was a McDonald’s sign and you were on the letter “M” you’d call out “M! On the McDonald’s sign!”
3. The Counting Game - Playing the counting game is great for teaching small children how to count – you just pick a certain thing to count – such as cows, black trucks, number of Taco Bells, etc. – and then start counting as you pass by them. You’ll be amazed how many of the same things you see over and over on the roads.
4. Celebrity Name Game - With this game you start with a certain celebrity, such as Angelina Jolie, and the next person has to name off another celebrity whose first name starts with the first letter of the previous person’s last name. So in the case, if you started the game with “Angelina Jolie” the next person could respond by saying “Jennifer Aniston”, and then the next person would say “Anne Hathaway”, etc. This game is good for older kids and you can apply the same principles to other things such as states or cities.
5. The License Plate Game - Since there is an infinite number of license plates on the road this is an easy and fun game to play to pass the time. You start by calling out the letters on a license plate and then making up a silly string of words to go with them. So if the license plate had the letters WJQ on it you could yell out “Water Jumping Quickly”! Each person can come up with a different combination of words for the license plate’s letters, making it a fun game that involves everyone in the car.
6. 20 Questions - Who doesn’t love a good game of 20 questions? Pick a person to be the answerer of the questions and then have them pick an object, animal, etc. Traditionally players will start off the game by asking if it’s an animal, vegetable or mineral. So if the question answerer picked a cow they would answer that it’s an animal. From there the other participants can ask questions that dictate a “yes” or “no” answer until someone guesses the correct answer.
7. Fortunately-Unfortunately - This fun game also involves everyone in the car and is a good way to break up the time. A player will start by saying something ridiculous like “Unfortunately a dinosaur is coming to eat us” and another player will respond by saying “Fortunately I brought an invisibility cloak to hide us”. Players alternate who says the “unfortunately” scenario and who answers. Aside from being a fun way to pass the time, kids will also learn to look for the good in situations.
8. My Father Owns a Grocery Store… You will have fun testing memory skills with this game. A player will begin by saying, “my father owns a grocery store and in it he sells (something that begins with the letter A, such as artichokes)”. The next person will then follow with, “my father owns a grocery store and in it he sells artichokes and (something that starts with the letter B, such as beets)”. The game continues with each player repeating what the others have said and adding on something that starts with the next letter of the alphabet.
9. The Storytelling Game - One person will start this game by giving the first sentence of a story, and then the next person will follow with another sentence adding onto the storyline. Each person in the car will keep adding in their own tidbits to the story, and your family will love all the different twists and turns that each person will add to the tale.
10. The Theme Song Game - A player will hum a theme song to a popular song – it can be a children’s song, one from a TV show, etc. – and the other players will have to guess which song it is. For example you could hum the tune of “Happy Birthday” for a few verses and then the other players would have to guess the song you’re humming. This is a great game for little kids to play with their parents on trips.

Car trips may invoke feelings of dismay when you first start out, but they don’t have to be something that everyone dreads. Instead get the whole family talking and laughing by playing one or more of these popular car games. Not only will it keep everyone happy, but it will make the time fly by and before you know it you’ll have reached your destination and everyone will still have a smile on their face.

Happy parenting and happy traveling!