Twin Connections

As the mother of twins and a singleton who are now all grown with homes of their own, I can look back fondly and remember all the fun times I had raising my girls.  Gone are the less than memorable moments of cleaning soiled bed linens, midnight croup treatments, boyfriend rejections, and a myriad of other problems.  So, I thought I'd make the lives of the twin parents a bit easier by filtering some websites and links for your review:

http://www.twinstalk.com/ - Lots of parent-to-parent advice about the day-to-day effort of raising twins.

Chicken Soup for the Soul: Twins and More  - Inspirational reading for those times when you know you've added five gray hairs for every waking hour!

Juggling Twins Juggling Twins- Well not really, but you get the idea! 

http://www.twinsdoctor.com/ - Advice from a doctor who is also the mother of twins.  You can't argue with those credentials!

http://www.raising-twins.com/ - Tons of advice and links to more advice.  If you can't find the answer here, it doesn't exist!

http://www.nomotc.org/ - The National Organization of Mothers of Twins clubs.  What? You're not a member?  Start a chapter in your area. 

http://www.twinslaw.com - Yes, even twins can have their own special laws, especially if parents want to have their childen separated (or together) in certain school districts.

Raising Twins: From Pregnancy to Preschool - Common sense solutions to some uncommon problems.

Raising twins is really no different from raising two children born at different times.  Parents need to be careful that they raise their children as individuals, rather than as a subset of each other.  This leads to lifelong dependency on another person, which is not emotionally healthy.  I dressed my girls differently, put them in different classes through elementary school, and even gave them separate birthday parties on succeeding weekends.  I would have done the same for two children born a week apart in two different years.  So, when I found one of my twins becoming the non-dominant twin, I sent her to one of those Outward Bound style camps in the Adirondacks to develop independent thinking.  She joined five other tweens and two leaders for a week of intensive orienteering and self-reflection.  To this day, my daughter says it was the best thing I ever did for her.  The experience was rather expensive at the time, but worth every penny in producing the strong, independent woman that she is today.  Maybe I should write one of the resources I've linked you all to above!

Happy Twin Parenting!

Consider your child's motivation - Part 4: Withdrawal

Adults have exhibited this form of misbehavior for generations -- quite literally!  You know them - the people who say they haven't talked to their parents for years becuase of an arguement they had when they were twenty-five.  Or then there's the classic case of the Hatfields and McCoys.  When people determine that they don't like another person, they decide that they don't need to talk to them - ever again!  Let's see how that works with children.

WITHDRAWAL - When I was a child, this was my favorite form of classic misbehavior.  My mother would yell at me for something I had allegedly done wrong, so I'd stomp up the stairs to my room and slam the door behind me.  I'd stay there for hours, sometimes through my mother's continued reprimands outside of my door.  But I was safe inside the sanctuary of my room.  Years later, that same behavior showed up when I had my own children.  We'd have an argument about something and I'd get in the car and leave for a while to calm down.  The car became my new sanctuary.  Perhaps this was more of a defense mechanism than misbehavior, but it's still considered mis-behavior because it's not what should have been happening.

Why is this considered misbehavior?  Because it's simply not emotionally healthy to withdraw from the situation.  Psychologists will agree that talking through a problem with another person is the best way to solve that problem.  Walking away solves nothing.  Counting to ten before opening your mouth definitely has its advantages in discretion, but total withdrawal from the situation is unhealthy and can lead to lifelong abandonment from family and friends.

Sometimes children just give up when they think they can’t get the attention they need. They may not do what you ask, or they may do it so poorly that you won’t ask them to do it again. They may offer excuses like “I can’t” or “That’s too hard.” They may simply withdraw from you or the family so that you won’t ask them to do anything. If you feel helpless or like you don’t know what to do, your child’s motive of misbehaving may be withdrawal.  Help your child to understand that he or she can always come to you with problems.  When they're teenagers, you'll be very glad for the open lines of communication!

Happy Parenting!

Consider your child's motivation - Part 3: Revenge

Ah, sweet revenge! It is a crime of imitation and offers a momentary catharsis, but the feeling is not long-lasting. If somebody hurts you, your knee-jerk reaction is to hurt that person right back. If a child feels wronged or hurt by others, he or she may seek revenge. It may be simply by saying, “I hate you." Sometimes children get revenge by destroying something that belongs to you or to the person who hurt them. If you feel hurt, disappointed, or shocked by your child’s actions, your child may be seeking revenge.

REVENGE - Consider this scenario: When my twins were about four years old, they were responsible for making their own bed after they got dressed.  Their rooms looked relatively neat throughout the day and their beds welcomed them again at night.  One day, I must have blamed the wrong twin for a misdemeanor (I really don't remember the cause of this scenario now 27 years later!). To get even with her sister for not speaking up about being blameless, she did the ultimate revenge on her sister.  Yep, she UNmade her bed and messed it up.  I tried not to laugh at the simple act of retribution, however it was that act that showed me who actually should have been blamed for the initial problem.  As I recall, I sat both of them down and discussed revenge with one and apology with the other.  The rest of the day went much better!

According to child psychiatrist Rudolph Dreikurs, "A child who seeks revenge is really hoping to find love. Their vengeful behavior is showing us that they feel so bad about themselves, and so misunderstood, that they are resorting to wanting others to feel what they feel. Respond with affection and caring.  'I really care about you and I didn't raise you to be vengeful. That's why I have asked you to go to your room now until you can treat us better.'  Don't engage in the power struggle, remove the audience (siblings, friends, etc), and insist on a logical, dispassionate consequence."

I firmly believe that if parents help children to understand that revenge is not an acceptable form of retaliation, that our prisons would have many empty cells.  What are alternatives to revenge? 

• Communicate - if you tell the other person how you feel and why you were hurt, the other person will be emotionally hurt by the explanation. 
• Walk away - By denying the other person the negative attention, you are thereby cancelling the other person's wrongful intent. 
• Re-think - When you restructure your thinking and tell yourself that the other person needs your help more than your revenge, you'll feel better about the situation. 
• Forgive - Forgive the other person for the hurtful behavior and redirect your activities to something more positive.

The alternatives to revenge are not easy becuase of our natural fight or flight reaction, but with practice, you can help your children to eliminate revenge from their emotional vocabulary.

Happy parenting!